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How To Keep A Man Happy

If you want to know love, don't look to someone else to provide it for you. If you think the only way you can find love is from someone else, you will cling to them and fear losing them. If they are healthy, they will feel the burden and withdraw. If they are codependent they will cling to you and reaffirm the myth that the only place you can find love is with each other.

When you realize that you have all the love you need to feel good right there inside of you then you can begin to share that love with others freely in a way that does not feed but enhances their love for themselves.

When you give away what you think you need, you will be surprised at how it flows back to you in many ways..

In Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, John Gray used the metaphor of people from two diverse planets to explain the differences between men and women. Men and women act and think differently. We have the choice to be irritated by and criticize the differences. What would happen if instead we learn celebrate and enjoy those differences?

This is not about self-sacrifice or self-denial, it is about being flexible enough to sway in the wind because you know you are rooted and grounded. If you spend your time criticizing your man, wishing he were different, you are using your energies negatively. This makes you feel bad. If you want to feel good, start believing everyone has something special and unique and focus on finding and enjoying the positive side of your man's maleness.

We were put on this earth to be who we are. If you are a heterosexual female, part of being who you are is having the ability to truly love a man, not in spite of, but because of their maleness. When you focus on the wonder rather than the differences, and when you celebrate the differences and turn them to wonder, you will begin to relate to your man.

Life is not a battlefield and love is not a game or a war. Life is not a game of hunt the missing piece. Life is a beach where we can learn to bask in the sun and enjoy each other. If as you read, you are thinking, why should I be making all the moves I ask you to think about what it can be like to be secure enough in who you are to make the first move to creating more wonder, or healing the rifts, between your man and yourself. Give what you expect to receive yourself.

This article is for women everywhere who like themselves enough to want to embrace their feminine nature and be a true female to their male. Read on if you are sure enough of the wonder of you to appreciate the wonder of him.

Less criticism more compliments

Men need to feel successful, so-much-so that, to a man, failure is death. For them, if they fail, they no longer feel like men. It's why most men commit suicide more often than women.

What’s special about your man?

Time for a little introspection. If you truly feel good about your man, then answering these questions will be easy. If you find them challenging, read on.

What attracted you to this man in the first place?
What does he do well?
If he loves his work or has a passion other than you [hopefully he does!!!] what do you know about it?
What’s great about him?
When Nicky first met Mark she came up with 72 great things about him from ‘doesn’t wear a watch’ to ‘amazing forearms’. AND most important of all, she’s told him what she likes and why!

If you can’t come up with some answers or you start focusing on his faults… you either need to work on yourself and maybe the way you and he relate or get rid of him!

If you found lots of answers – start telling him as and when it’s appropriate.

Men are human beings first and foremost and like most humans they appreciate reassurance, compliments, admiration and congratulations from any source but in particular from the woman they are choosing to spend time with. The more you do this and genuinely mean it, the more they’ll look forward to spending time with you.

If you don’t give it to them, they’ll eventually look for it elsewhere and that elsewhere could be in someone else’s bed!

Bring peace to his life

Men are most attracted to happy women who genuinely like themselves and who enjoy being women. When you're happy, he feels successful. When you're a bottomless pit who never seems pleased by anything he does, he finally gets worn out and leaves.

Are you great to be around?

Are you a black cloud in your man’s life or are you a ray of sunshine? Do you add to your man’s life by being happy, content with yourself and recognizing what is wonderful about him or do you constantly nag him and complain about what is not right because you are expecting him to compensate for what you haven’t got for yourself! BE CAREFUL if it’s the latter.

It is your duty to yourself to live your life to its fullest potential and enjoy being who you are. When you learn to like yourself and revel in how wonderful you are, you will give out a glow that is irresistible. Your man will want to bask in your rays. He will feel good being around you.

If you are constantly moaning about your problems, your man will instinctively try to fix it. John Gray says men try to find solutions. If he can’t and of course only YOU can fix your life, then he’ll feel bad about himself. You will become a constant reminder of this failure!

Sunshiner or a black clouder?

Explore yourself. As you ask yourself these questions, be honest, answer with what comes up first. Let your thoughts flow. This is just an exploration of self-discovery for you to gain awareness of yourself.

Do you wake up thinking about what you are grateful for rather than what you haven’t got?
When you are faced with a problem, do you see it as a challenge or a big hassle in your life?
If you are feeling bad, bored or unhappy do you expect the man in your life to make it all right?
Are you happy in your work? Are you doing YOU?
Of course it is wonderful to be able to share problems and challenges with your man. The difference is in how you approach it. Are you seeking to make it better or are you just wallowing in your misery. Remember that a man will try to solve your problem so if you want to wallow in your misery, don’t expect him to wallow with you. That’s what girlfriends are for, to let you wallow for a while and pick you up and cheer you up! BUT, remember that you need to be able to do this for yourself as well.

Brighten up

Learn how to focus on what you want, not what you don't want. Learn to be true to the real you. Learn to take leaps of faith when you listen to your intuition.

Warning: Miserable and depressed people spread misery and depression to those around them. We unconsciously avoid them as we do someone with an infection. Unless you brighten up, you may find your man avoiding your infectious misery and seeking the infectious laughter of another!!

Love him for how he is

Men hate it when a woman tries to change them. What it tells them is that they're not okay the way they are. That makes them feel attacked, which makes them put up defenses against those attacks...against you. A defended man cannot love a woman the way she wants. You can help him dismantle those defenses and once again open his heart to loving you. Kara Oh

Don’t mess with a work of art

Some women seem to think men are blank canvases. Once you get one you proceed to paint whatever you want. Men are not canvasses, they are ready made works of art, as are women, and works of art should be admired and cherished. Sure if they are faded or have been left lying around for ages in a dark cupboard, you maybe be able, with their cooperation, to restore them and clean them up a little to enhance their natural beauty but you shouldn’t even dare to think about changing the original picture.

If you can’t admire the art you have, take it off the wall or get something else that you do like. Don’t try to paint over the original!

When you set a man free to be himself he will flourish in your company.

Warning: If you try to change and alter him, you could end up with a ‘genetically’ modified product or a bear sulking in a cage and we all know how dangerous those can be!!!

Help when help is needed

Instead of trying to change them to be the way you want, how about helping them to change what they want to change, if they want to change.

Warning: If he seems to like being the way he is and isn’t willing to change, you have 3 choices, ignore it, learn to love it or leave! Changing him is NOT an option. If you threaten or deprive him he may cave in and stay, but you will create a eunuch out of your man. Is that really what you want? I don't think so!!!

Laugh at life, yourself and with him

If you can laugh first at yourself, then you can laugh with others as they laugh at you and everyone has a great time.

Amy’s low self-esteem prompted her to look for double meaning in every comment Charles made to her. He once made a joke about her abysmal map reading. She went all sulky, jumped at him and said ‘are you trying to put me down. You think I’m useless don’t you… etc ’. Charles told me that he wasn’t criticizing just laughing at something in a friendly way. He also said he felt he had to censor his usually cynical humour because Amy just didn’t seem able to laugh at herself. Amy was crap at map reading and if she’d learned to love herself more, she’d have had no problem seeing the funny side.

A secure woman knows her limitations and knows where she excels and where she doesn’t. Her confidence allows her to laugh and make fun of the things she isn’t quite so good at.

Celebrate what you do best and laugh at the rest

When you learn to laugh at yourself first, you can double your fun by laughing at yourself with your lover . There is loving fun poking and resentful fun poking and there are times when some sensitivity is called for. Only laugh at someone in loving fun. Being able to laugh at yourself and feel good while doing so is a sign of a healthy balanced person and it gives other people permission to join in. Never laugh at yourself because you are afraid others will do so. Only do so because you find it funny. If you can’t read the warning below.

Become his treasured source of intimacy

Since they were boys, men have been taught not to feel. "Pick yourself up, don't cry, be a man." Those messages were taken to heart and as men, the only person they feel at all comfortable being intimate with, sharing at least a little of what's going on inside of them, is their wife. He'll begin to share things he may have never told you before, no matter how long you've been married. You really are his only source of intimacy

Even though guys are programmed to be tough and conceal their emotions they are still emotional beings. Understands that men handle their emotions differently. It's unhealthy to deny emotions. If we suppress the symptoms they will come out somewhere else. Your man needs to let out his emotions and you can help him to do it, his way. You can become a haven for your man. A place where, in safety he can come and be his true self and feel good about it. He will realize you understand him. AND he will come back to you because it feels good.

Integrity guidelines

NEVER NEVER use this against him in an argument. Throwback is a dirty game and if you continue, soon he'll stop wanting to play any games with you.

When he begins to talk, pay attention to him with ALL your senses. Listen to what he is saying, watch where he is putting his hands, match and feel how he is breathing, decide that he is for these moments, the most fascinating creature in the universe. Imagine him as some powerful animal or a fast car or bike. When you focus on these things you will begin to pay closer attention to him and you will be sending him unconscious signals that stimulate his 'maleness'. He will sense your reactions to him. Keep your mouth firmly SHUT!

When he does have a problem he may want to sound off or sound it out. One thing is sure, he wants to solve it. Be flattered that he is sharing his inner doubts and challenges with you. Don’t criticize him or remind him that it’s his own fault.

Make him feel good about himself, remind him of what he’s good at and situations he’s faced before and resolved. Ask him if you can help him find a solution. If he does want help and if it’s appropriate for you to give it, ask him how you can help. Do not suggest solutions, help him to find his own. And above all don’t expect him to process it agonizing step by agonizing step. Save that for your girlfriends!

If you want a gas, talk to your women friends

You can spend hours with your women friends discussing about life, the universe and relationships. Men see the phone as a utility. They make calls to get something done. Sure they will talk on the phone sometimes, but it’s generally not to process every minute detail of some event or to analyse their feelings.

If he is a caring sort of guy and he enjoys your conversation, there will be times when he will listen to you talking and that’s great. Just don’t expect him to do it constantly and don’t expect him to do it like your girlfriends!

Give him space and take some too!

Marion and Jim spend all their time together. Marion thinks it's romantic. Because she 'loves him so much', Marion always wants to know what Jim has been doing and where he is going and who he sees. She thinks this is normal that when you are a couple you do everything together. Jim thinks she is suffocating him but he knows she'll be upset if he asks for space so he just caves in. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship and is doomed to misery or carefully controlled codependency.

Don't look to your man to fill the gaps in your life. Keep up with all your friends and make sure you go out on your own and do your thing. Sure it's great to share things together and it's also great to do things apart. A happy mixture is what you are looking for.

When he wants to be alone, recognize it. John Gray says that men need to go off into their caves to mull over their problems. If he does that, let him be. He’ll return when he’s ready.

He is uniquely interesting and fascinating

If your man invites you to share an activity or a passion with him, or if he wants to talk about what he does, be open to it. It’s his way of sharing something of himself with you. If it’s not appropriate for you to get involved directly, show an interest or find out about it. Ask him what he loves about it. Notice how passionate he gets when he talks about it. A woman friend loves to be around her man when he watches football. She said ‘he gets so excited, the air is thick with testosterone and he’s up for anything after!’

Your interest is also a sign that you accept him as he is. When you encourage him to indulge his passion and show an interest in it, he will be much more open to other kinds of passion!

Warning: If you aren’t able to get interested in your man’s passion, NEVER criticize or make fun of it. He will withdraw and close off that part of himself to you and you will lose out

Nurture the red-blooded male in him

Well adjusted, red blooded men like sex. Statistics say that they think about it at least every 7 seconds. If your man is attractive and sexy, the chances are he’s going to notice other women and be noticed by them. Instead of trying to stop him, accept it as a part of what men do! If he comments on a woman’s good looks, and you agree, say so. If you don’t, say so too, and say it honestly and without envy. It's a positive sign that he is a sexually healthy man.

Flirt with him. Sure, you flirted with him when you first met, but do you still do it? If you don’t you should. If you are intimate, you have a lot of material with which to lace your flirting. Tease him with memories of the passion you share. When you are apart, if it is appropriate, ring him, e-mail him or text him occasionally. Pop a note into his jacket pocket. Keep your communication sexy and short! Don't use a regular pattern like always ringing him at 4.30pm - the surprise goes and it just becomes an everyday occurrence. And keep your fingers off the repeat button. You could cause overwhelm. Unless he’s very insecure, overwhelm makes a man uneasy. He may start to dream of 'boiled rabbits' and 'fatal attraction' and you’ll find him pulling back.

Remind him about the sexual intimacies that you share and indulge in lots of touching, displaying or whatever turns you both on.

What comes to mind when you think about being a ' cook' in the kitchen, a 'hostess' in the living room and a 'slut' in the bedroom? If you are a well-adjusted female and sure of your own success, you can enjoy these roles too.

If you love to cook, do so and get off on him enjoying your food and if you don't cook just buy in what he likes and serve it to him. Nurturing his appetite is definitely one way to a man’s heart!

Being a hostess doesn’t mean smiling sweetly and plumping his pillows while he watches TV, It means being your vibrant, sociable and interesting self. It means welcoming him in. And if it pleases you to please him, then by all means plump his pillows and remind him of what is to come when he switches off the TV!

Being a 'slut' doesn’t mean making him pay for sex or or treating sex as a chore, it means being wanton, desirous and sexy and it means being available for sex because you like it as much as he does!

Above all show him that you desire him. There is nothing guaranteed to make a man feel good towards you more than a wanton expression of your natural desire for him. When you begin to follow these guidelines for nurturing your man, you may be surprised at how his attitude to you changes.

Sex is not a dog biscuit

Many women find a man, have children and then forget what it was about them they loved. They can find themselves submitting to sex in order to keep the relationship going. They then stop enjoying it and may begin to offer sex as a reward for good behavior. The man begins to feel like a dog, and even though he may act faithful, he’s likely to run a mile when let off the leash.

When a woman truly enjoys a man, she will see sexuality not as submission but as a surrender to her highest desires and a wonderful way of spending time. She is not surrendering to his desires, but to her own. As a result his desire increases and magic happens.

If you want sex, don’t always wait for him to initiate, let him know you want him in no uncertain terms. Naturally, you should be mindful of his moods as he should be of yours.

Learn to flirt with him and entice him with your feminine allure. Some women get jealous when other women flirt wantonly with their men. Just make sure you do it better and BEFORE they do. Unless he’s young and out for action, a sexual addict, or a moron, he’ll probably be flattered when another woman flirts with him and if you have done your job right, he’ll be reminded how good it is with you.

Anything's possible

If you want something give it away. Women often complain that men don’t spend enough time on foreplay. One way to encourage him is to do it for him first! When he realizes how much pleasure he gets from your languid and drawn out attentiveness, he will be more encouraged to do the same for you. If you have a healthy relationship, you’ll probably get off on giving him pleasure as much as he enjoys receiving it!

If your man wants to indulge in a sexual fantasy, be open. Think of it as a game and have fun acting it out. By indulging his fantasies, there’s much more chance he’ll want to act out yours. In fact, he’s probably desperate to find out what you want so that he can arouse and satisfy you. A true man is not just out for his own satisfaction, but gets turned on by yours. Surrender to your own desires, be open to his , get clear on what you really want and let him know.

If he tries to introduce you to pornography or erotica, before you say 'no', stop and think about it. What can you learn from being open, be curious and be adventurous? You may find out something about your likes and dislikes or you may find something that turns you both on and that will just enrich your sex life. Make it clear what you do and don’t like, but not before you try it out or consider about how it can be adapted so that you both enjoy it. And if you don’t want to indulge in it, be OK about him doing it. After all you don’t both eat the same foods all the time do you?

When you learn to desire and love sex because it is a wonderfully fulfilling activity, and become more open to pleasuring your man you’ll be surprised at how much fun you can have. If you truly let go, of yourself and your man, he’ll be back for more.

A final word

In the final count you have to decide whether you need to feel empowered by making a man grovel at your feet, or whether you prefer to harness your feminine energy to nurture a truly masculine, red blooded male who rises up in all his splendor when he is with you and shares with you the best of himself.

When you are whole and complete in yourself and follow these guidelines you will discover that a man is not someone you need to make you whole or someone you can mould to your own design and definitely not someone you have to submit to..

When you see a man as someone you can laugh with, love with and enjoy for who he is you can begin to enjoy and wallow in your feminine nature without losing your respect as an intelligent and successful woman. It is our nature to nurture and we can do that in many ways. Nurturing is the gift we have to give.

Someone once said to me 'When you give a gift, you should give it without expectation or reward'. When you give like this, letting go of your needs and your need to control, giving purely from the heart, you will feel great and you will be rewarded in more ways than you could hope.