Handling the Anger

Divorce can bring on many issues and feelings from all those affected by it. Everyone handles a divorce differently and much like grieving, there are stages that many go though that evolve them beyond the divorce. Just like grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of a loved one through divorce takes time and love and patience. The difference with divorce is that the object that you are grieving over maybe in one way or another stills in your life and can act as a trigger to more emotions.

• If you are angry:

If it is you that is angry, try and separate your anger with that of the children’s. Be angry in private, with persons other than the children or with a counselor or other professional help. Try and tunnel your anger into productive means. For example, work to make that anger enough to organize your files so that you can send copies of bills to your ex and follow up when they do not pay. Try and understand your anger. Know why you are angry with them, understanding it the key to forgiveness. Don’t try and handle it alone, seek help –professional or otherwise.

• If your child is angry:

Children are harder to help with their anger after divorce because they do not always admit they are angry. Other times they may appear to understand and may then develop anger years after the divorce triggered by an event like a remarriage. To make matters worse, the anger at a parent maybe disguised as some other type of developmental problem. If you notice that your children are angry at you or the other parent and you feel it’s due to a divorce, attempt to understand. Identify the source and be patient. Try and speak with the other parent to attempt a resolution.

• If someone outside your immediate family is angry at the ex-spouse:

Many times they have feelings of anger in an attempt to support you. Try and understand. Let them know that you appreciate their support, but the anger only leads to bad example for the children and bad feelings for them. Let them know that their anger won’t change your feelings of acceptance. Let them know that cooperation is the best when they might be asked to attend a function that would include the ex-spouse like a function for the children.

• If the ex-spouse is angry:

Don’t aggravate the anger, it could only make the situation more volatile. Try and stay away if possible. Then, try and be patient. If their anger is taken out on the children, ask them, if they are approachable to separate their anger of you with that of the children. Be patient that they might not be able to.