Techniques for disagreements and arguments.

Techniques for disagreements and arguments.  

1. It's all right to argue. Conflict is a part of life. Ideally, it could be settled without arguing. But when we feel strong emotions, and an intense need to express ourselves and to change a situation, arguments might occur. In that case, we do better to reveal our feelings -- regardless of the volume and heat -- than to deny the problem and allow it to worsen; sometimes the harshest argument is the most honest and productive. Arguments are indications that we care; the passion of the argument is equal to the passion of the relationship. Disagreements can result in understanding and a decrease of tension. If we follow the guidelines given here, our conflicts can be settled more fruitfully and congenially.
2. "Winning" isn't the goal. When one person "wins" an argument, we usually have accomplished nothing to resolve the issue, and we have alienated the other person (who probably is not convinced that he or she is "wrong" anyway). In a constructive disagreement, we clarify the problem and discuss ideas which would lead to a solution -- perhaps an understanding or a change of behavior. And, if we play by the rules of disagreements, we achieve another goal: a friendlier and more successful relationship with the person.
3. Timing is important. When you become aware of a problem, mention it soon, so that your feelings can be expressed directly (rather than in the exaggerated form they might assume if allowed to fester). Speak to the person when you two can be alone; if other people are listening, the main concern might be to "save face" rather than to discuss the matter. Select a time when the person is likely to be receptive -- not when he or she is obviously engaged by other problems. Find an occasion when you can both set aside some time for the talk; don't start to discuss a complex issue three minutes before the lunch whistle. And then, at the end of the dialogue, you might want to allow time for both parties to think further about the subject before deciding on an action (but don't let this delay become a procrastination).
4. Express your grievance directly. As clearly and objectively as possible, tell the person your thoughts on the subject, and how you feel about it. Use past examples which exemplify the problem. To avoid creating a personal attack (which would probably cause a defensive reaction), talk about the behavior, not the person or motives; say, "These reports need to be sent every day," not, "You have been negligent in sending the reports because you are always in a hurry to go to happy hour." Offer suggestions for a possible resolution, and describe the favorable consequences which could occur if an accord is found. When our view is an opinion, we can state it as such, and not as a fact; this leaves room for the person to state his or her opinion (and it also permits you to retain more dignity if your "fact" is proven to be incorrect).
5. Let the other person speak. Listen carefully, without becoming defensive or angry, and without interrupting (except for clarification). Ask for an explanation of any point or emotion which you don't understand; beware of taking anything for granted or assuming implications about the statements or motives. Even if the opinion seems unreasonable, show respect for the fact that everyone is entitled to an opinion of any type. And consider the possibility that the person merely wants to be heard and understood, or wants to "blow off steam"; in those situations, we need only to listen and say that we empathize (even if we don't understand).
6. Be respectful. When we "fight dirty" in an argument, we diminish the possibility of a resolution, we damage the relationship, and we create the possibility of further conflict and retaliation. Refrain from insults, accusations, sarcasm, threats, or attacks on the person's intelligence or judgment; if we talk about the problem and behavior as objectively as possible, the person will be less inclined to become defensive or emotionally distraught. Appreciate the person's cooperation in talking about the matter.
7. Stay on the subject. A productive argument has a well-defined subject; we don't mention other issues, and we don't entangle other people. In defining the conflict, we need to find its real reason; for example, are we angry because the person was late for dinner, or is the anger actually resulting from our feeling that he or she doesn't pay enough attention to us?
8. Look for points of agreement. We build a resolution step-by-step by finding elements upon which we agree; perhaps the only agreement is that we both want to settle the issue. We might even start with a compliment: "These three things are very good, but this other one is not what I requested."
9. Try to learn from the disagreement. In an argument, if we calmly sort the data from the emotional debris, we might gain useful input. And if we present our views as opinions and suggestions (rather than facts which have been presented aggressively), we allow the person to consider our perspectives without feeling that that would be an admission of surrender. Despite the histrionics, the argument has been an exchange of information which might be valuable to both parties.